Well, it's shrink time again tomorrow, and I'm wondering what she'll make of my past fortnight? What might she say to me? For starters, I guess I've done some good things. While I still don't have my eating anywhere near under control, I've been better. Which does not sound much, but I figure at this point that I'll take any small improvements. I've been doing some exercise for my mental health. Not as much as I have been used to, but some, and I want to increase that because I need it. I have proved beyond a doubt that it makes me a happier, calmer Deb than I am when I don't do it. But I'm still gripped by my catastrophising fears that whatever got me this far in my weight loss is gone forever, that I no longer have any "mojo" and I'll end up being 300kg next time and needing to be forcibly removed from my house by a forklift. I do realise this is highly unlikely but, hey, everybody needs a hobby, and it would appear that worrying about things that will never actually happen is mine. *sigh*
I'm still in a most peculiar headspace and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I feel like I don't know what my place in the world is any more. Maybe it's part of being this age and not having kids. You are automatically excluded and on the outer with quite a lot of the female population because kids are a big part of anybody's life, which is as it should be. So you tend not to want to hang around "kid" people because you just can't relate on the same level and it's too hard sometimes. It was OK when I had Zoe because I could sort of be a kid person, even though she wasn't my child, but now it's back to how it used to be and it's made making new friends a bit more challenging.
As far as work goes, I know I don't want to do what I've been doing for much longer, but thanks to the shrink I've been coping OK with my job by thinking of it a bit differently i.e. means to an end, every day I do it is one less day I have to do it. I think what I really need her to help me with this time is what to say to myself at that crucial moment when I feel like I want to emotionally eat, because right now there is very little fighting going on. The sort of thoughts I have are, "What the hell? Who cares if you do it? You've got no partner/boyfriend, you could be the size of several small houses and still do your job in your little room. What is one more day like this going to matter?" And they're really not very compelling reasons to walk away from the car and not go to the shop. I can't really even use the, "But this is about your health" one right now because in all honesty, while I'm this unhappy and distcontent with my life, the thought of extending it for years and years is not exactly appealing, I hate to say. And then I get all guilty for feeling like that because I should be grateful for the gift of good health.
So, you see, dear blog, I'm still caught in a bit of an emotional maelstrom at the moment. I'm sure I'll eventually climb out, because I've been here before even in the last few years of my JOURNEEE!, but it is taking a little longer than I'd like at this point.
See you anon. xxx