Monday, March 16, 2009

I slashed a tyre

Hmm - OK, this is not good. Today's been a big challenge for me - that's no secret. I just read back over what I wrote earlier. But as far as meeting the challenge head-on and kicking it in the butt, ba-bow. I didn't succeed. :( This is how it went down. I have spent most of the day in a really bad mood. I wish I knew if it was PMT. It could well be, but I must be going through some kind of crazy pre-menopause thing because my cycle is up the creek (and this is on the Pill, mind you!) and I have no idea when I'm going to have a period next. Fairly sure I haven't had one for about six weeks now. Not pregnant, natch. Anyway, even if it's not PMT, I probably have more than enough stuff to put me in a bad mood anyway, what with the hating the job thing, because that's something that you're stuck with for quite a large proporition of your life. I was finishing off a program before, and there was THAT urge, the one I spoke of in the last entry. The one that was telling me, "This utterly sucks, and you've got four more days of it this week. Oh, God!" I looked deep inside my soul and I asked myself if there was any really good reason why I shouldn't just do what I have been doing lately and get some crap food. And I couldn't think of one. :( Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I just didn't know what to do instead. But I must find some sort of cure for this ongoing, day to day unhappiness, because at the moment it seems the best I can manage is damage control i.e. not gaining weight. It's not good enough. But then, maybe the point is I shouldn't say stuff like it's not good enough. Maybe I need to be a bit more accepting and realise it's only a couple of hours out of what could otherwise be a really good week. It's a mere speedbump, a small one. I read a really good analogy the other day about the "throw the baby out with the bathwater" mentality. It basically said, "If one tyre on your car is slashed, do you then go ahead and slash the other three just because the first one got slashed?" Of course you wouldn't - you'd work on fixing the intial tyre that got slashed. I really want a positive side to this, because the temptation to throw rocks at myself is really great right now.

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