I guess the great thing about blogs is that they're wonderful tools for venting. It sometimes doesn't even matter if no-one reads it - it's just good to get whatever is stressing you out down on paper.
I've had an epiphany in the last couple of days. I've been using junk food to make myself feel better about my job. You know what made me realise it? Today I'm having one of those days where I could scream, I'm hating what I'm doing that much. The disclaimer, as always, is that I recognise I'm better off than lots of people, at least I HAVE a job, I should be grateful, blah blah, but please indulge me for a moment. I've been doing this home-working thing for nearly four years now, but it feels like 10. If I were to lose my job tomorrow, I'd be devastated, but only because I'd have to work out what the hell to do about my finances. Not captioning? That would be a piece of cake. I'm so over it. So, my pattern the last month or so - which, in the way of habit-breaking, has become very clear to me now I'm attempting not to do it - has been at a certain time every day, I leave the house to go get some crap food. Not usually such a huge amount, because I physically can't eat as much as I used to even if I try (and I sometimes do, with somewhat disastrous consequences at times), but enough. I'll either eat this before I start, or save some to eat while I'm working. There are days when it's all I have felt I have to look forward to. Man, that sounds tragic, doesn't it? It's been the only thing I can rely on that will make me feel a scintilla better about what I do.
So, now it's not available to me, I've really started hating my workdays again. I'm working so slowly today, I'm practically at a standstill. I've set myself a goal of three programs, but at this rate IF they get done at all, they'll be done by midnight. And the thing is, if I really sat down and concentrated they could be done in around 2.5 hours each. But I'm two days ahead in deadlines, so there isn't that urgency to force me to do them.
All this probably makes me sound like the world's worst employee, and there have been times in the last few months where I really haven't been a very good one precisely because I'm so depressed and sick of feeling trapped in this little room, sitting on my butt with no human contact. My work literally only contact me if I do something wrong or if they're sending me my work allocation. So, last year - I hate to admit this - I deliberately sent things back late so they'd be forced to acknowledge my existence in some way. That makes me sound like a 2-year-old having a tantrum but, honestly, would an occasional phone call to see if I haven't died be that hard to manage?
I'm bored out of my brain, I'm hungry, I'm hot and sticky and I do NOT want to be doing this. :( I wonder how much longer I'll have to? I guess the answer to that lies in my own hands only. But, Universe, if you're listening, I'm putting it out there - save me!!!!! Help me work out what the hell it is I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. I know it isn't this. I just don't know what it IS.
If you'd read my first blog, it should be pretty clear why I eat now and why I need to work on this. Food is fuel. It isn't something you should use as a drug to make you feel better because you're unhappy. Yet, this is just what I keep lapsing back into. And round we go again.
*sigh* I'm still feeling positive, but this day feels like it's not going to end any time soon.