My name is Debbie and I am a food addict.
There, I've said it.
Since I started this blog and made the decision to withdraw quite a lot from my cyber weight loss world, wow, has it been an interesting ride. I'm not going to say I've kicked goals in weight loss and done really well. Quite the opposite, in fact. Going to a dietician was (and is) a great idea in theory, as is learning to eat like a normal person going forwards so as to avoid having to calorie count, weigh food etc for the rest of my life. The execution so far, however, leaves a lot to be desired. See, I've developed this bad habit of every day, at a certain point, going out and getting crap food. Because nobody really knows about this, it's been quite confronting to come to the realisation that so much of what I do still revolves around people-pleasing. The other day I sent an email to my PT explaining I haven't been wanting to go to the gym lately because I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I've been stuck around the same weight for nearly a year now and I don't want people to be looking at me and wondering why I think it's OK to weigh 115kg for the rest of my life. Of course I don't think it's OK, and who knows - probably NOBODY thinks that and it's all in my head. But the end result is the same - I think that unless I'm at least making an attempt to lose weight, I'm not good enough, I'm not worth being round, I'm a bad person, etc. And while I know exactly where this thought pattern comes from, I'm not interested in rehashing the ancient history behind it all. It is what it is. I'm only interested in what will move me forward. And what that is is me losing weight FOR ME. Not so people on a bulletin board will approve of me and tell me nice things about myself because, let's face it, none of that matters if I think I'm a piece of crap, does it? Not so my PT and people at my gym will think I'm amazing to be able to do what I do at my weight. Not so my parents aren't on my back about my weight. I believe what I've done so far has been partly because I wanted to do it for me, and yet there is still that people-pleasing element to it that needs to be eradicated. And right now, with feeling so lonely and yucky and down on myself, I haven't had the stomach for a fight, so I haven't been fighting this urge to go get junk food cos it's the highlight of my day. That's just fricking sad if it's true. So as of today, I hereby state that I'm better than that and I CAN beat this. There is no reason for me to have this addiction. There surely must be other ways to cope with loneliness and boredom. Today, I'm not going to the shops for crap food. My God, it's going to be hard after so many weeks like this, but if I can beat gambling I can beat this. I'm going to be climbing the walls shortly and I'll get REALLY hungry, but I have to be honest - I've gained a few kilos in the past few weeks and I'm not liking the feeling of extra weight around my middle, the extra sluggishness creeping in. I'm just not going to go there. The junk food in the world will still be there - I'm just going to moderate my intake again like I have done for most of the past couple of years. It needs to return to its proper place in my life and not be a focus. I can do this. I am incredibly strong when I want to be. And I DO want to be.
Thanks for helping save my sanity, dear blog.