Well, my first foray back into the blogosphere hasn't gone so well! I just laboriously typed out a huge explanation as to why I'm back here, and the universe has seen fit to tell me I'm a bit too verbose and eaten it all up! Eeeeep! So, I guess I'd better summarise why I'm blogging again, what's brought me to this point, and what's up with the title.
I started a personal transformation at the beginning of 2006. It started off as being about losing weight, which I've done - I've got rid of about 44kg, give or take, of the 70+ I need to lose. However, my relationship of 8.5 years ended halfway through last year, and since then, I'll be honest, I've been a bit lost trying to come to terms with the huge change in my life. I haven't really felt like being too conscientious with diet and exercise, so I just haven't really done it with much enthusiasm. It's probably some sort of miracle I have managed to be around the same weight in the nine months since then, but I'm starting to feel again like the time for standing still is over and it's time to move forward. However, the moving forward is going to be a far different moving forward this time around, one which has my future happiness and completeness as a person as its centrepiece, not something I hope will just work itself out when I'm thinner. It would be nice if life really were like a weight loss ad, where you can fit into size 10 clothes and suddenly all your problems magically disappear and you skip off into the sunset a fulfilled, deliriously happy human being simply because you can wear a bikini on the beach. Well, pardon my French, but what a load of bullshit. Life isn't like that. It never was. Losing weight has no magical properties. It may help your confidence. It will, in all likelihood, make you feel better physically in terms of being less tired and less illness-prone. It might bring love into your life if you're single. But to me, the bottom line is that if you're not happy and things in your life are wrong, losing weight is so superficial that you are quite likely to get where you're going and think, "Well, doesn't this suck - I went to all this trouble, and I still think I'm a pretty worthless human being. I'm still trapped in a dead-end job that I hate. I still have no social life and no-one to love me. What was the point?" And there's nowhere to go from there, really, except back to slow death by chocolate or going out of my way to make my diseased gall bladder explode from eating foods I know I shouldn't. So, the upshot of all this realisation is that I've been neglecting the psychological side of my weight loss for a long time, and I can't do it any longer. I don't want to end up at goal weight and still think I'm a piece of primordial slime. I don't want to wonder why I bothered doing it, because good health is wasted on a person who hates their life and themselves. And there is no point in waiting until I'm a certain size to do things I want to do, or to go out and have fun, etc. Life truly is short, and I feel I've wasted far too much of mine already.
My new approach to things is extremely radical compared to how I've done things thus far, but it absolutely has to be this way. It's so true that if you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting the same results - I am living proof of it! So...
1. I'm not weighing myself any more - my dietician is going to do that for me. As far as I'm concerned, I have no scales. My clothes will tell me what I need to know. I need to do the right things and trust that I am and not obsess about it all. And for someone who tends to be a daily weigher, this is HUGE.
2. Though I've gotten this far by counting calories and weighing things obsessively (again - this is a recurring theme in my life), I'm not doing it any more. I am currently writing down what I'm eating and when in a paper diary because my dietician asked me to so that she can see how I manage the plan she gave me, but that's it. I'm not going to add up amounts, weigh bread and milk, etc - I'm going to trust whatever instincts I surely must have developed in the past three years. Again, the thought of this is incredibly scary for me, and yet, unless I want to spend the rest of my life weighing, measuring, counting, obsessing, this is how the way forward must be. Normal people who don't have weight problems - they DO NOT DO THIS! I don't want to do it either. There has to be a way to get back in touch with my physical body, to listen to it and have it tell me when it needs feeding. When you calorie-count rigorously, you tend to eat the same amount every day. When I think about this, it's nuts. There are days when the same amount of calories seems too much to eat. There are other days when I'm so hungry in bed that I can't sleep until I get up and eat something. To me, at least, it would make more sense to eat less when you feel you need less and eat more when you're genuinely hungry. So why don't I do it? Well, I'm going to do it.
3. I'm going to escape from my home work prison, somehow. I've applied for a second, casual job which will not only help me clear my debts, but add some badly-needed structure to my life. If I can't find a paying one in these difficult times, I'm happy to learn on the job in a voluntary capacity until I can find what I want/need.
4. I'm going to stop existing like a troll in cyberspace. OK, for now I'm stuck doing my home job for financial reasons, but that doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life on my butt staring at a screen cos I'm too frightened to leave the house and interact with actual human beings in real time. It's no way to live and it's slowly destroying me. When people ask me to go places, I'm just gonna go. I'm not going to let my fears dissuade me.
5. I'm going to see a psychologist as of next week and really, really work hard at fixing my broken brain and thought processes. So much of my self-sabotage and bingeing and destructive eating stems from really poor self-esteem and negativity. Since I don't want to take drugs for my own anxiety/depression issues, the only solution is to confront them head-on. But I'm not just going to talk about the past and my childhood, etc - the time for that is long past and nothing is going to be different no matter how much it's discussed. I'm going to get into meditation for my own inner peace and mental health. I have such a busy brain that gives me no peace because it's unstimulated. I'm going to stimulate it with a new career down the track, but I'm also going to give it some much-needed time out with relaxation, breathing, etc. I absolutely have to do this because, again, my anxiety/fear/depression are also major eating triggers and they don't need to be, at all.
Well, that's it for now. I just can't wait for Life 2.0 to truly begin. Life 1.0 was good in parts, but it really needed a major overhaul and upgrade. Life 2.0 - the better version, without a doubt. L'chaim!